For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
