K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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