Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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