I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
