I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize