Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
