conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
