I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
