i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
