I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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