god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
