i think i have two assholes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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