i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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