guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
