areolas are like halos for boobs.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
