I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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