You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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