he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
