forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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