No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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