So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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