I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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