A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
