Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
