the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
