i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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