Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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