So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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