I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
