People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
sarcasm needs its own font
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
