I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
