Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
