Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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