Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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