I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
