There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
