I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
