Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
They are going to name an STD after you.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
