My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
