She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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