I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
