I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
