You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
