Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
