Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
