Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
