Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
