didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
