We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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