Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
