I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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