Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
