I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
