I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
