YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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