I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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