I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
