ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
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