life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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