I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
